beautiful mess.

i'm in a mess right now. i have some huge decisions facing right now and i'm not sure what the right choice is. i wish i could be so confident that i don't even question my decision, but i'm not that confident. and when i think i've made up my mind i question it and i don't know if it's the right thing to do. listening to heart and listening to your brain is a fine line to distinguish and i'm having a really difficult time right now. but when i get myself to calm down a bit i realize that it's only life. there are much bigger and better things waiting for me. and while this is a super hard choice for me to make, no matter what i do it'll all work out in the end. this is a country song and the lyrics really stuck to me today.

"i laid in bed that night and thought about the day and how my life is like a roller coaster ride, the ups and downs and crazy turns along the way, it'll throw you off if you don't hold on tight. you can't really smile until you've shed some tears. I could die today or I might live on for years. I love this crazy, tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful, beautful life"

you can't, well i can't, get so caught up in one problem. yeah, it's a huge decision for me, but whatever i choose it won't be the end of the world. life will still go on. i just have to focus on the bigger picture. i guess what i am most afraid of is who i will hurt in the process and how it will effect my life.

anyway...next week is the last week of classes and it's ridiculous how much stuff i have to do. i get stressed every time i think about it. but right now i am taking some time for me. i shut my phone off and i'm shutting myself away from the world for a couple hours. it probably is not the best way to handle anything. but i just need some time. my music is on and i just need to think.

"it's so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time.

it's like a river that's so wide it swallows you whole.

while you siting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change

and worrying about all the wrong things,

time's flying by, moving so fast.

you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back."