Confused

Guys, love is sure a complicated thing. There's so many questions about it. I love love. And I love wholly and unconditionally. All the time. But right now love is driving me crazy. Some days it's great and other days it breaks my heart.

How do you know if he's the right one?
What if you're heart truly feels like he's it, but your brain says no?
What if there's another girl in the picture?
How do you know when to let go and try again?
What if you're supposed to fight for what you want?
How do you know if you're fighting for the right person?

I guess there's really no real answer to any of those questions. But they are all running through my head right now. There's all those cliche quotes about distance makes the heart grow fonder and if you love someone let them go and they'll come back to you if it's meant to be. And they may be cheesy but right now they're my life line. That's what I'm clinging to. I'm afraid to say goodbye and let go of my best friend but on the other hand...is it worth it? Guess this is going to be my test of strength and patience and faith...

Totally random thoughts

First, I dunno if I share way too much but I feel like I volunteer personal info to friends waay more than they share with me. Yet to figure out the reasoning.

Second, I am the biggest hopeless romantic you will find and love surprises and surprising people with things. Yet, I have never been surprised with anything or sent anything anonymously. Hmm.

Third, where in this world do you go to find decent men?!

Fourth, I move home in UNDER A WEEK. Can't wait for this weekend or the summer of no fear to start.

Fifth, don't lie to me. Even if you think it'll make me feel better. Cause I probable already know the truth or can tell you're lying. Please, just always be honest.

That is all.

feeling groovy

the more time that passes since i made my "big decision" the better i feel about it. i actually wish i didn't have to wait 3 more weeks till i can go home. i'm really excited about being back with family and my friends there. i'm gonna get back in scrapbooking and maybe even sew things again. i'm not going to miss as much soccer and RJ is going to have puppies soon and i get to be home for that now! i'm gonna save a ton of money and start flying again and pay of debt. and take me away from a situation that needs to be put in the past.

also, alex and i are gonna drive out here and hang out for a little bit and then drive home and it's gonna be a party and i could not be more excited!! i think this was my break and things are gonna start to look up :)
happy day to you all!

SLC

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the support and advice and for bearing with me through my indecisiveness.

I am going to transfer back to SLC for now and see where life takes me from there. I'm excited and feel okay with this decision. Of course, I'll miss the beach pics (i'm sure you guys won't!!) Now, 3 more weeks of LA living. Kinda can't wait to be home!

Glad I have some great friends and influences in my life :)
see ya in SLC!!

Pros and Cons

I HAVE LESS THAN 24 HOURS TO MAKE THIS DAMN DECISION. I HAVE NEVER HATED A MAKING A DECISION MORE IN MY LIFE.

LAX PROS:

• the beach is my backyard
• more to do
• just recently moved here
• more people to meet
• place for people to come visit
• summer

LAX CONS:

• no family
• rentrentrent
• everything here is more expensive
• don't know how long till i could get transferred again
• the airport is huge
• employee parking lot takes forever
• frozen for 6 months

SLC PROS:

• family
• friends
• home
• cheaper
• easier for me to fly
• car
• i love summer in utah
• i like the size of the slc airport
• could transfer back if I wanted

SLC CONS:

• winter
• no beach
• less to do

k guys, a quick run down here... my one really big stressor is SLC is really hard to transfer into and so if I reject this transfer it would be minimum of 6 months till i could get back to SLC. And in reality it could be much longer. Who knows when there will be movement into there again. So if I reject it I have to be willing to stay for a while. It would be cheaper for me to live at home and fly with my dad, I wouldn't have to pay rent and I would save a lot of money flying with him instead of taking a loan out and since being a pilot is a life-long dream that is something i have to take into serious consideration. I could fly in Cali, but I would have to get a big loan and spend a lot more money in the long run. Of course, summer in cali on the beach would be amazing. and i am afraid that i will regret going home and missing out on this opportunity. SLC is obviously the end goal. And when I get on as a pilot, I have no idea where that will take me. I also miss hanging out with my sisters and stuff especially while they are still younger and have time. My dad said, I could always live in SLC and have adventures. I have flight benefits and can go anywhere I want.. Best case scenario, I stay here 6 months and then transfer home. Buuuut i think that's wishful thinking. But I also didn't think i'd get this transfer so fast. But also, I am kind of home body and kind of ok with it. I like being with my family and going boating and to the cabin and to ride 4 wheelers and seeing my cousins and all that jazz. And even with flight benefits, it's hard to get home for those things. I like being close to my family and spending time with them, cause we always have a damn good time.

I dunno guys, any honest (not biased) opinions?!

SOS

so today i got an email that i didn't think i was going to get for at least another year. and it's like totally thrown me off my game. let me explain. when i first became a flight attendant i got based in sfo, and then transferred to lax for a number of reasons. obviously, salt lake was my first choice but it is one of our more senior bases and overstaffed so new hires have pretty much no chance of getting based there. and so i have been expecting at least another year until i could get based there. and i was okay with it. but i just got an email today saying that my transfer has been awarded and i have until 3/6 to accept or reject. and i honestly HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. Since i got the email i think i have made a decision and changed my mind at least a dozen times. Until like an hour ago I was all decided on going home. and then i went outside to watch the sunset and i saw a huge group of people hanging out and playing volleyball and one guy i've become friends with and i told him about the transfer and he liked freaked out cause i haven't even been here for a summer yet and so now i am so torn. like i am sick to my stomach trying to come to a conclusion. there's so many pros and cons to each thing. if i go home, am i giving up on cali too easy? but if i reject it, i am frozen for 6 months and who knows if i would get awarded the transfer again after that time period. and i hate missing my family and all the stuff going on at home and of course i love slc. but i've finally made a couple friends here and i have a place on the beach! and there's so much stuff to do in la that i haven't done yet.

ugh guys. help. not gonna make it.

This week has been a big step for me. I said goodbye to someone that I should have a long time ago. As much as two people love each other, sometimes, just maybe, they're not supposed to end up together. It's been hard. I can't admit that it was easy for me to do and sometimes I get this sick feeling in my stomach wondering if I made the right decision. But I think I have. The situation wasn't fair to me and it was taking advantage of my ability to believe the best in people. It was hopeless repitition of me getting my hopes up just to be let down feeling sad and disappointed, over and over again. Yeah, every train of thought and every joke, has some connection to him and he even shows up in my dreams. But it's only been a few days and I have a sneaky suspicion that its going to get easier as the days pass. Just have to keep myself busy and my mind occupied.

I started reading this book called Single: The art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled, and Independent by Judy Ford. Sounds kinda cheesy but it's actually amazing and something that I really needed to hear. She talks about how being single and alone, while not always easy, is actually a great blessing. It talks about how you really learn a lot about yourself and the type of things you like and helps you figure out the person you want to be. At the end of every chapter she lists 5 tasks that you should do and the ultimate goal is just being happy with yourself and happy being with yourself. I've spent my whole time since I moved to LA with this negative attitude about being alone. And yeah, it can be hard cause I love to surround myself with people, but sometimes it's not always able. Right now, other than work, I literally have nothing holding me back. I am free to do whatever the hell I want! I can travel somewhere for a day, go the beach and read a book, I could even go to Disneyland! My possibilities are endless. What I need to do, is make a list of all the things I want to do and just do them. Starting today, I am gonna change my attitude and change how I live my life. I'm going to open myself up to the opportunities that come my way.

xoxo-

kenz

 

i seem to lack the ability to do what's right for me...i would rather please everyone else and do anything i can to make sure they are happy no matter how shitty they treat me. today, i tried to do what was best for me. one of the hardest decisions i have ever had to make and the response i get...of course tried to turn the blame back on me and now i feel lost and confused..questioning what i did. UGH. and this post isn't even going to make sense to anyone! my mind is such a jumbled mess. i am so tired of the same of boring story.
someone save me from disaster.