i need to keep my thoughts here in the present

just like rosie just wrote about, i want to find that guy. it would be amazing. and i can think of 3 guys right at this moment that i know would be that perfect guy for me. and i'm scared to go to college because i won't be seeing these guys everyday. hardly at all. and i'm terrified. i don't want to lose these friends. ever. but it's inevitable and i really don't want to think about it. there's so many people i'm not going to be seeing. me going to utah state with no one but ali [which i'm eternally grateful for cause i couldn't handle it on my own] and everyone else going to byu or the u. it's not that far away but i'm still not going to see them often. rosie, tyler, nick, russell, samir, joce, kristin, anthony, alex, christine, hana, heather, brady, alec, all these people i have spent so much of my life with. we've had so many good times together i can't even think of them all. i'm scared to grow up. terrified actually. when i think about the future i just get this ache in my stomach and i want time to stand still. i want this summer to never end. i went to spend forever with these friends. and i know there are so many other people out there ready to be my friend and teach my some lesson i need to learn. but i'm not ready for that. i want to stay right here and stay a little kid. i want to stay with these people more than anything. now all these things probably sound repetitive but i don't really know how i can describe what i'm feeling. and then there are all my way good guy friends who are all leaving on missions in the near future. and i'm so happy for them. it's such a good thing they are doing and they are serving the Lord, but i am going to miss all of them so much. and i hope we can keep in touch while they are gone.. and this little paragraph in this blog doesn't even begin to really tell what i'm feeling right now but i don't really know what else to say. there is so much emotion in me right now i can't even describe it. and college is going to be amazing, i know it will. me and ali are going to have so much fun living together and maybe i'll find that guy. but right now i know the guy i want. i know the friends i want to keep forever. and thinking about college and leaving all these people behind brings tears to my eyes. and i just try not to think about all i'm leaving behind. it hurts too much. i can't think about it until i have to.

now more on the guy situation. right now i think i want a boyfriend, but i can't be sure. i know who i want to date if they would want to date me. and i have 3 choices. well 2 and half more like. one leaves on his mission soon, but is just the guy i'm looking for, sweet and nice and funny. next, we've never really been that close but this summer that has changed and we talk alot now and he teases me all the time and i love it. the half is one of my better friends and i don't really know what to think about that. but who knows what will happen. we have the rest of the summer to see. and like rosie said, i want that guy. just not now. i think i'm too young to be in love. i don't think i would know what love is at only 18. right now i just want a guy who will love me for me and tease me all the time like they do now and we can have fun and hang out and go on dates and it would make this summer that much better. but i want to wait for a few years to find that guy who i want to spend the rest of my life with. wait till they all come back from their missions and are all grown up. although to my boys, don't grow up too much. i want you to come back smart and mature, but please keep that sense of humor that makes me love you guys so much.

now all my friends guys and girls. promise me we'll keep in touch even after we all go our seperate ways. boys promise me you'll tell me when your farewells are and give me your address and i'll write you to keep you company and remind you how much i miss you! girls promise we'll talk daily and hang out and do all our same things on the weekend. to ali, i'm so glad you are coming with me. i couldn't handle it alone. you are my best friend and my life would be so utterly sad without you in. you once put it as a black whole of despair. baby i love you!! and rosie, you better come visit us. cause you are my best friend and we tell each other everything and i'm gonna have a hard time without you. us three girls, we have each others backs through thick and thin, no matter what. and i love them so so much.